Lynda told me about her ex-boyfriends today. That's right, we had that "talk". I know what you're thinking, that talk is never a good idea, but it just comes up. I mean, it's inevitable, especially, when things get a little more... you know... up in dem guts.

I want you all to understand that I didn't instigate it. I would enjoy being blissfully ignorant of these facts. In reality, they could not be more inconsequential to me. Don't get me wrong, I collect secrets like rare coins or stamps, I stockpile like them like in the event of Armageddon, or the far more likely Armaghetto, they were canned food, guns, and bottled water. However, information like that doesn't fall into that secret category that is really necessary to know. That information helps me zero.

Lynda brought it up. She was tellign me about some espisode of Sex City that the Golden Girl that was like Blanche found some dude that was like the male equivalent of her, and when they went to have casual sex, he killed the mood by asking about AIDS tests.

Let me just say something here, why do people like this show? It seems fake, awkward and uncomfortable. And who wants to watch fake awkwardness. Good TV has plapable awkwardness, like Freaks and Geeks. That was a good show. Besides, how can you take that show seriously? They take cabs everywhere. Who can afford that?

Anyway, it brought up the exs conversation, which can be relationship leukemia. You don't die right away, but it builds, slowly breaking you down from the inside, killing you with the things that should be helping you. Then you get more questions, too many more, like white blood cells, then you die, a sad shell of what you once were. And she goes back to her old boyfriend. Like Envy Adams did to Scott Pilgrim ... but in the real world you might not have a cool American ninja like Ramona Flowers. Though I guess Lynda is my Knives Chau. But really, I like Kim Pine the best.

But really, it was okay. There is nothing good that you can here in that situation, but as far as those things go, it wasn't all that bad. She doesn't even seem to have hang ups on an old boyfriend, which is amazing. All the dudes kinda seemed like half assed casual boyfriends too, a very, right person, right time, but that time has passes. Which is really all y0u can hope for.

Oh, and go read Scott Pilgrim.

My baby's got it all... baby. Not only is she sweet and supple, but she's got brains to compliment her beauty and prowess. She gives gives gives. And listens.

I was talking to her on the phone the other night and I was telling her about how I ahd just finished a bunch of books (Mailroom, Post Office, An Artist of the Floating World, Hard-Boiled and the End of the World, and am kinda sick of Disney Wars) and she was sympathetic, but wasn't that helpful. She is a big reader, and she reads good books. She is the one that introduced me to Raymond Chandler and Post Office, a Bukowski that I had never gotten around to reading, and she is always open to ideas. But she herself was in a reading slump. So to expand her horizons I passed her along Scott Pilgrim, which is mostly my second favorite thing in the world. The first is Lynda. Then probably the new CD's I got of music that was used in 60's and 70's italian porno. It's been a good week.

Anyway, this was probably Sunday night that I was talking to her. When I met up with her tonight she had a book for me. It's called "Fortress of Solitude" by Jonathon Lethem. It's a story of a kid growing up in Brooklyn in the 70's whose crazy hippy mother is nutso and gives him a screwed, but strangely enlightened world view, albeit completely scewed. Oh, and there is a shit load of talk about early comics in it. Jack Kirby, and Black Bolt, and Gwen Stacy, all used to illustrate points in the boys life and process to reach understanding. "Spider-man's girlfriend, Gwen, had been killed by the Goblin, it wasn't funny in the least. That's why Spider-man was so depressed all the time." Fucking brilliant. But he can totally separate the reality of what was happening in comics then in a way that a 10 year old wouldn't normally. "Captain Marvel wasn't Shazam, it was confusing. He'd been revived to assert a copyright on the name, and nobody could say whether he really fit into the Marvel Universe all that well. DC Comics, Marvel's Comics' antithesis, presented a laughable, flattened reality -- Superman and Batman were jokes, ruined by television."

Lethem gets it. And so does Lynda. She's a peach. Now she is reading Scott Pilgrim. You all should.

Oh, that picture is from a web-site, www.superdickery.com which tries to show, through classic covers, what an asshole Superman is. Hilarious.

WOAH! I would hate to piss this Lynda off. Her name is Lynda Chicado and is in no way related to my heaping spoonful of sweet Ice Cream lovin, Lynda [last name withheld]! This Lynda is terrifying and muscular, though in her own completely not Lynda way, attractive. Look at that perfect part! Arms like that guy who does the infomercial about workout blah blahs! She kinda looks like Whinny Cooper, if WC went to Barry Bonds' trainer. That was a completely unnecessary dig at Barry Bonds, yet I stand by it fully.

Anywhos, I figured in honor of my spiritual compliment (in that SHE COMPLETES MY SOUL) and ray twin, Lynda, I would write about some other Lyndas that have been important to the world, though none quite as important as my Lynda is to my world. So I will score points rating Lyndas.

http://www.soveryposh.com/

This link brings you to a blog about some woman who has pets and a husband, and nothing else to write about. I know what you are thinking, this blog is dedicated to Lynda and she isn't even my wife! True, but to be fair, I am a lot better than this woman because I don't post lame ass lists titled "Stuff I like..." She likes dogs and her husband, but most of all being lame. And mexican food. Plus she Flikrs pictures of dogs. And her lame face. Edge, my Lynda.

Lynda - 1

Every other Lynda - 0

http://www.lyndarandle.com/

Lynda Randle, from what I can gather from the short look I had at the homepage of her web-site sings songs, probably about religion and spirits, and crap. And she has something called "Lynda's Corner" which is probaby where she had to sit a lot when she was a kid, cause most people must've thought she was retarded.

Lynda - 2

Every other Lynda - 0

http://www.bio.indiana.edu/facultyresearch/faculty/Delph.html

Lynda Delph is incredibly accomplished and looks like she is a leading authority in her field of study, rising to the rank of Accociate Chair of ... I guess the plant biology department at Rutgers. However, she teaches at Rutgers, and if I had to guess where she weighs in on the Pluto as a planet debate, she would be totally against it. She is a typical Pluto hater. Negative points for her plant loving ass.

Lynda - 2

Every other Lynda - -1

http://www.ilovehou.com/botabano/mypuffinpatch.html

I had a seizure when I looks at this. Terrible. Just look at the web-site! How is she still alive.

Lynda - 3

Every other Lynda - -1

http://www.lyndasandoval.com/

If you knows me you knows I LOVES reading me some books. However, her books have titles like Chicks Ahoy and One Perfect Man so she is not a real writer, and is in fact a group of four 13 year old girls at a slumber party talking about celebrities they would like to kiss. But really, most 13 year old girls now are probably whoring it up, betting how many guys they can blow before the end of the summer. You should be ashamed of yourself Lynda Sandoval.

Lynda - 4

Every other Lynda - -1

http://www.amazing-amazon.com/wwlynda.htm

Lynda Carter. She was tv's Wonder Woman. Debra Winger was her side-kick. It's a push

Lynda - 4

Every other Lynda - -1

Lynda Carter - 1/2

This post is brought to you by the letter Y and the number 4.

Whyfore the y?

I way just chattin it up with the only girl I know that is as good, if not better, than $140 worth of pudding, wallowing in the sweet clinking of her voice, and we started talking about Sesame Street and what shows we watched in our respective youths. She really is very smart, but then again, to land planes she would have to be. It's a lot hard than it looks. But I will address all that in a later post, dedicated to new aviation and travel laws, and Lynda's thoughts about it, cause they are, like her, both groin grabbingly sexy and long winded. However, for now, Sesame Street.

We had been talking about something inconsequencial, like journalism, and I was asserting that it is tied together with freedom of speech, religion and the right to protest, and she started laughing at the idea of protesting newspapers, and told me she was gonna start protesting The Onion until it was funny again. I thought this was a great idea. She then told me about some article, the funniest one Lynda claimed to ever have read, about how the introduction of a gay muppet forced boycots from letters of the alphabet. Paraphrasing her air-quotation, she said, "Once 'Gary' was featured on the show, teaching about alternative lifestyles, the overly conservative number four was first to pull its sponsorship, and reverted back to its Roman numeral avatar IV," (there is a gay joke in IV, i just can't put my finger on it), "though others, most notably the letter Y have threatened to no longer endorse the program." While simultaneously laughing and trying to see down into her cleavage, I thought about the letter Y and finally asked her, whyfore does she spell her name with a Y for?

It's not that strange a story. Apparently one of her grandmothers was named Linda, the other Lydia. So her parents just combined them.

Kind of a let down.

Well, I watched baseball all weekend. It was sensationally dissappointing for me personally on many levels. The Red Sox were as impotent as... god, i don't know, something that is known for its impotence, like a neon, cause its inert. I am totally off my game. Much like the Red Sox. So I guess the Red Sox are like me.

Anyway, Lynda had the weekend off so she came by and hung out for a while, which was awesome, only I think we was hoping for a weekend of canoodling and the occassional grope / molestation, eventually resulting in awkward coitus and minimal weeping. However, thanks to the combined 72 hours of almost straight baseball, none of it particularly good. Lynda isn't really a baseball fan, in that she loathes it. I thought Asians liked baseball, like Ichiro, and Matsui, and ... the other Matsui. Anyway, I guess she's not Japanese, or she doesn't like baseball. Although, after this weekend I don't really either.

But I don't like explaining baseball to people anymore than people who don't like having baseball explained to them. Also, it's hard to explain why I watch a game that is clearly a lost cause, and why it matters, and stuff. She was being really unreasonable, and, to be fair, I was as well, so obviously it went well. As well as the Red Sox bullpen pitched, which is with a high ERA.

So long story short, which really at this point is more of a long story, made only longer by my inclusion of the phrase, "long story short..." twice, we watched a lot of baseball. She is no more a fan.

Thank god it's almost football season.

We got ourselves a ballgame.

Lynda thinks I need a haircut. Normally, I would say "This clingy bitch ain't gonna change me!" and I would kick her to the curb faster than her Chinese parents would have gotten rid of her for being born the wrong gender. That is if she is Chinese. I am not sure if she is. Pergo and I had chinese (I am not sure if that should be capitalized... Bell Hooks would say know, but she is a woman with a small brain, it's sciene) food from the place around the corner. It was pretty good. Lotta food. What was I talking about? Oh right, hair.

Anyway, she was giving me shit about my hair, and she was anyone else, I would have flipped out, but she is a special lady; my special lady, so we had a meaningful discussion instead, like mature couples. She made some really good points, like if I don't get my hair cut she is gonna stop shaving.

I'm calling her bluff.

Lynda totally made me the best mix-tape ever. It has all OUR favorite songs, that are our favorite cause they mean something special to just her and I. The track list is:

Dirty Pop - n'Sync
Whip You with a Strap - Ghostface aka Tony Starks
Love Like a Glove - Reggie and the Full Effect
Bittersweet Me - REM
Don't Sit Next to Me Just Because I'm Asian - Ben Lee
The Luckiest - Ben Folds
All For Love - Bryan Adams, Rod Stewert, Sting
El Scorcho - Weezer
Do You Realize - Flaming Lips
Such Great Heights - Postal Service

I am gonna listen to it all day at work tomorrow. Oh, that's right, I am employed.

Summer is just slip sliding by, but the days are just packed...


with new love!

Lynda told me tonight on the phone that she was a big Calvin and Hobbes fan. Well I almost shit myself like that new girl on Flavor of Love did. Lynda and I both thought that the whole situation, you know, the one where the contestant / masochist / crazy bitch with the bowel control problem SHIT ON THE FLOOR IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OPPULANT MANOR IN FRONT OF FLAVA FLAV, wasn't portrayed as insanely as it needed to be. No excuses either like "Miss Sumpthin' (her name given by Flav) has been battling obesecity and early onset Chrone's all her life, resulting in Tourette's of the bowels." Imagine if Mel Giboson had done that? No one would remember his drunken tirade about the Chosen People! But that isn't true for all celebreties mind you, Suri Cruise could do it and get a standing ovation, that is, if the child of prophecy exists. Do you think the Pitt-Jolie baby and the Cruise-Holmes offspring will one day make it on the future's version of Celebrity boxing show down? Goddamn I hope so. Lynda does too. No PR machine in the world can maintain this celebrity status forever. Lynda asked if anyone has created a countdown till they are legal. Half of me hopes so, half of me dreads the idea. Lynda is all for it, and voting for an all former-celebrity porno, hosted by the only living Olsen twin.

People! Relax! I am gonna start posting pictures of Lynda soon. I don't have a digital camera, so I have been taking pictures with a crappy disposable and have to get them developed then scan them. I know, I know, I am crawling my way to the 1990's. I should probably get a digital camera.

More news later!

Imagine what this guy's parents must have looked like?

I read a lot of stuff. I write, too! And Lynda, totally knows how to read! One of the things that I have read this year and really enjoyed was a book called Freakonomics. Every so often I check out the blog and read what the writers are working on. Found a GREAT posting.

Basically it totally explains what a creature of graceful perfection like Lynda is doing with a handsome sack of man-awesome like me. I have shapely calves. Basically it boils down to the fact that good looking people are more likely to have daughters, and there are more women than men, so women have to settle. And I reap all the benefits.

This is not to say that Jan and BD aren't good looking people. In fact, my parents in their day were quite the lookers, and in their times vernacular would be considered "a handsome pair" cause people talked like retards then. So I am appropritately attractive. But Lynda is just way too good looking for me.

Science and math are silly. But wonderful. Much like Lynda. And she is asian, so she is good at math and science.

Love.

It's been THREE DAYS since I last saw my lady love Lynda. We obviously talk on the phone every night, but still, it's not the same. We have plans to get together this weekend, but the crazy schedule of landing planes is not an easy one to make plans around. Also, she does amateur underground Thai kickboxing three nights a week. She started with Tae-bo in high school and moved on to cardio-kickboxing classes. It was a very natural progression. I haven't been to a fight yet, she says that white people often get stabbed. I guess this means she might be Thai, but she doesn't look like a Navajo Indian like Johnny Damon. Is it just me or is it really funny to watch him girleshly lob in fly balls from centerfield. Hell, I think El Guapo (the baseball player, not the villian from the movie Three Amigos) could score from first on a deep double. But I digress.

Anyway, my little Ong-Bak has Tiger upper-cut her way into my heart, and no amount of referree interference or submissions holds will get me to tap out!

Until next time!

Hey everyone. After years of waiting it finally happened. I am in fact in love!

Alright, on to the good stuff.

Her name is Lynda, as you can tell, perfectly spelled with a "Y" which is instantly more amazing than the other way. In fact I always thought that Linda was kinda an old woman name, and as you all know, I have no patience for old people. Cept for the old Pope, cause he completed the circle of life in that, like a baby, in the twighlight of his years, he cold no longer hold up his head either. And of course Nana, cause she is mighty. Anyway, back to my sweet piece of beautiful baby pie, Lynda. I met her at the supermarket, in the produce section, buying mangos and guavas for smoothies. I was instantly attracted to her personal style, in that she was wearing a jump / speed suit, which I thought was strange. We got to talking and she told me that she lands planes at the air port. The person with the lightsabers that tells the planes where to land. What a great job! See the above picture for visual extrapolation of her career. She is also totally into death, and we all know what that means -- GOTH! But not like dark make up, pale face nonsense, but totally into death. I like my women like I like my architecture ... GOTHIC!

I am so full of smit! Smitten kitten!

Okay, so anyway, she is asian. I am not sure what kind of asian, but one of the ones from Asia, and not Eurasia. I think. I am not usually into the taste of the orient, but this girl totally blew me away. We ended up food shopping the rest of the way together. She drinks PBR. That pretty much sealed the deal.

I was so awkward when I met her. Kinda like that thing Porter found about Natalie on the Inturweb. Tool city. I was fumbling and stuttering, trying to ask her for her name and number, it was sad. People around me stared with pity in their eyes and hearts. Here is a dialogue.

Me: So listen, I gotta go, but I would love to, uh, maybe, get your number...?
Lynda: That sounds great.
Me: Cause you know, just to see if this is anything and whatever...
Lynda: Yeah.
Me: Cause, like, you really seem like you could be THE ONE!

Lynda then stopped taking the phone out of one of the many pockets of her jumpsuit, looking at me nervously, causing me to then quickly, and panickingly stutter, "Kidding! I was kidding, I mean you seem great, but that's not what I ... uh ... Can we please hang out?" And of course, cause she is perfect, laughed a glorious, though baritone laugh, and said something like, "Of course, silly!". I nearly passed out. It was awesome.

I have been looking for something to write about lately, thinking about starting a blog, and I never really had any inspiration. She is my inspirado! I hope everyone enjoys reading about her as much as I love loving her!